It's been quite a while since the last time I wrote here. Compared to last year, I guess whoever has read and followed me ever since then, might have thought I abandoned once and for all this blog.
Certainly, that hasn't been my intention at all. It is simply that this year has developed and evolved in a very different way to that of 2013.
How true is it that there's no real me! The real being does not exist. There's that same essence, yet it transforms, mutates constantly through both the internal as also external phenomenons. Now I look back to many months ago and I see myself having a real and constant brainstorm. Theories, debates in my mind, rationality behaving in the most irrational way, all leading me towards an inner nigredo, and the eventual fall of so many structures. In many opportunities it wasn't nice. It did felt as the Dark Knight of the Soul. Suddenly, a dawn in my life appeared and for this I am to be eternally thankful to Dharma, the Buddha teachings as also whoever I have encountered in this journey called life.
Storms do not disappear in life, simply you learn to see them in a different way. I guess that when you know how certain is uncertainty to come back in life, you begin to enjoy more every single ray of sun coming from the horizon, every kitten's game, every meal made by mum, every moment of beauty in life. If darkness didn't exist, most probably it wouldn't be possible to see how beautiful the day is.
This year I have written less simply because most of my discoveries have been in practice, and every single thing I seem to discover, leads me to a bigger pool of uncertainty. In conclusion, there's no point in writing to say that the more I seem to know, the less secure I feel about actually knowing something ;))
I wish I could be a perfect being, untouched from all dense passions and defects from the human nature, and it is because of this, that whenever I feel, whenever I identify something negative inside me, it can feel unbearable. Yet, as unbearable as it might be, it is necessary to embrace my human nature, embrace my gene pool. Because for all the negative I might have got, I too got many positives. There's nothing left but to love myself, and to have the will and consciousness to transform the negative patterns I have.
It is funny when I look, and see that moral guilt is perhaps one characteristic difficult to dissipate. Where did such guilt come from? I used to be quite a skeptical and agnostic being (such was my illusion of what I think I was) but seems those elements have vanished. And of course, Doubt that can come when you less expect her. Compared to last year, these have evolved positively quite a lot since then. They are not be enemies, moral guilt can be at one point an useful tool, as it can be to doubt something. Of course keeping in mind, that doubting is heavily overrated in the West. And that is necessary to keep Faith in something or someone... (just my opinion)
It is precisely because of the "Furnace of Doubt" that I come to write a little bit. Doubt didn't reach such point in most of the year, yet through some actions that I know now are unwise, I caused myself an inner eruption of distress. Who would have known? Suddenly doubt appeared in a way I had not seen her in more than a year! Along the doubt, appears the distress of not knowing where you're reading, of actually identifying you know nothing about life, just that everything is supposition. I challenge anyone that tell me certainly, any fact about existence! Because there's none, there's no certainty. And this most of the times I can accept peaceful and happily, yet through a spike of anxiety, a shadow of negativity, a thirst for control of the cosmos appears threatening to destroy you. Solution? let yourself go, breath deeply, and let yourself be dragged by the black hole a la Interstellar.
Healthcare is to be continuous. It is an every day sample of living, of practicing some values and a faith. The idea that you're healthy and therefore you can abuse your health because you're healthy, is wrong. It might take a while for the body and the mind to manifest consciously, yet whatever action we do in this moment even if we have the physical conditions of an Olympic winner, will bring casualties in a while. It takes sometime for the wind to come, but it will come.
There's nothing left but to cultivate every day!
Before closing this chapter and going to sleep. I must state two things.
1) I'll procure to come more frequently, even though the older I grow, the more silence that comes.
2) 10 minutes of breathing two nights ago, 20 minutes of doing so today, and the shadow of doubt has dissipated. No logical sword destroyed it. The calmness of the fresh waters embraced it and forged a bell with it!
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