jueves, 27 de diciembre de 2012
2012: Farewell to thee!
2012 is finishing in less than a week. Contrary to what many people thought would happen, the planet is still here. I must admit that there was a romantic part of me that vanished last friday. For sometime I thought there would come to happen a massive change in someway, and maybe it has being happening since many years ago, and will continue happening for longer, yet I was amused by the idea of some global change coming to everyone's lives that would defeat the rationalism. It happened all the contrary though, the extreme rationalists that have made of science their bible, believe they had a great triumph over the "loonies" on that day. Loonies are all those that do not behave in the same way as the typical Western rationalist. Sure, I agree that religious fanatics are loonies, however I still keep my mind open to the idea of the Spiritual Realm being the most important in our lives, far more than the materialist one.
If there is a New World Order, then it must be the Order of Reason above the Heart. From Friday 21th of December on, everyone that does not believe blindly in science and guide themselves by it, will be classified as a maniac. Sure, this order of reason has been happening for the last 4 centuries, but of it, we will only and sadly notice an increase in the upcoming years. The humanist idea that this species is the center of the universe will continue, until the last remnants of nature have been destroyed.
I'm not intending to sound bitter, but in a world in which the most watched online video this year has been a random Korean guy dancing a random dance, implies that the global village has degraded to a point where people just want amusement. Thinking it better, this is a world of Reason only for those controlling the spectacle, because most of the human creatures are completely unreasonable.
Everyone that does not think like the majority will be categorized as stupid, and will be either pushed to adapt to the standards of reason, or pushed out of society itself.
Capitalism, Communism, Fascism, Nationalism, have all been qualified by their promoters as "products of reason" yet what they have brought to our planet wasn't even perceived by Dante in his infernal visions.
It has happened to me twice already, to think a global catastrophe of some kind would bring sunnier days. First, with the global economic crisis of 2008 I thought people would adopt a more austere lifestyle, finally recovering the harmony with nature. Yet I was proven completely wrong by the faceless hordes of people waiting for a new iPhone release on the streets, as well by the millions of people just wanting to get drunk.
It was foolish of me to think that something would happen this December, that would in someway bring a positive change to the human mind. Quite the contrary, what we have witnessed is that from now on, every single mystical subject will be considered a joke.
Of course, a global catastrophe might sound horrible, heartless from my part, and I agree to certain point. I agree, that I have to work on my compassion towards humanity, but at the same time I consider myself aware to the fact that we Human, aren't the only species on Earth, and since so I believe that we need an urgent change. There's already a catastrophe happening to millions of people around the world, those in Africa that have nothing to eat and live among first world's trash, those in South America and Middle East scourged by violence, and those in the First World mentally sick that are being packed with Psychiatric drugs. The crisis is ALREADY HERE, and for those mocking the idea that the world would end, well I have got news to tell you: IT IS ALREADY HAPPENING! It is happening, but surely in a slowly and nasty way. Yesterday I read on the local newspaper how Brazil has devastated its amazone jungle during this year, isn't that to finish with the world? All for what? more electricity, and buildings?
A global happening this december would have brought a change to how the human acts, and perhaps he would for once recover the function of perceiving God in nature, and living in harmony with it. But it didn't happen, and what we will witness in 2013 is shallowness reaching an even higher peak.
So well, no global change for humanity, but for me it has indeed changed everything. In a personal level, my life has changed quite a lot during the last 2 months, and even though I'm still on dialysis, many things have changed for better. Also, as someone that has had to deal with mental illness in his environment during many occassions, I have made as one of my purposes for 2013, to protect and nurture my mind positively as best as I can. This means no more negative feedback, no more research about the darkest things happening in the world, nor of negative paranormal stuff.
The empirical negative data I have received both from what I have experienced through falling sick in Europe and getting back here, and even much before of some other trouble, as well as all the negative data I have absorbed while investigating on dark subjects, has taken its toll on me. It has helped me noticed how many things we take for real are a mere fantasy, but also as the duality increased, so did the anxiety and the ego problems. Intrusive thoughts? I rather take a different path on my life in which such thoughts will once again disappear.
As previously said, Alchemy is not worth it. Nor it is the Western way of achieving knowledge. If you want proof of this, just look at all the bright people that have ended completely unhappy, either sick to death or killing themselves because life had become hell. In melancholy there is no answer, there's only a profound lake of fear and ego that doesn't let you advance.
This idea of wanting to have all the rational knowledge on the world, is just another ilussion of the ego, trying to distance itself from the other people. And it is something I have to work on.
It is part of the human condition having to deal with so many obstacles in the every day life, in one way or another. Yet we can make it easier for us. When we love ourselves, we won't let our ambition drive us away from our happiness. What might look simple, might be the real gold. I have understood that in the simplicity of a spontaneous smile there is more than in a universe of rationalism. Blessed is the farmer whose joy is found in reaping a good fruit!
Wish everyone in this world, a 2013 full of clarity, love and courage! :)
If there is a New World Order, then it must be the Order of Reason above the Heart. From Friday 21th of December on, everyone that does not believe blindly in science and guide themselves by it, will be classified as a maniac. Sure, this order of reason has been happening for the last 4 centuries, but of it, we will only and sadly notice an increase in the upcoming years. The humanist idea that this species is the center of the universe will continue, until the last remnants of nature have been destroyed.
I'm not intending to sound bitter, but in a world in which the most watched online video this year has been a random Korean guy dancing a random dance, implies that the global village has degraded to a point where people just want amusement. Thinking it better, this is a world of Reason only for those controlling the spectacle, because most of the human creatures are completely unreasonable.
Everyone that does not think like the majority will be categorized as stupid, and will be either pushed to adapt to the standards of reason, or pushed out of society itself.
Capitalism, Communism, Fascism, Nationalism, have all been qualified by their promoters as "products of reason" yet what they have brought to our planet wasn't even perceived by Dante in his infernal visions.
It has happened to me twice already, to think a global catastrophe of some kind would bring sunnier days. First, with the global economic crisis of 2008 I thought people would adopt a more austere lifestyle, finally recovering the harmony with nature. Yet I was proven completely wrong by the faceless hordes of people waiting for a new iPhone release on the streets, as well by the millions of people just wanting to get drunk.
It was foolish of me to think that something would happen this December, that would in someway bring a positive change to the human mind. Quite the contrary, what we have witnessed is that from now on, every single mystical subject will be considered a joke.
Of course, a global catastrophe might sound horrible, heartless from my part, and I agree to certain point. I agree, that I have to work on my compassion towards humanity, but at the same time I consider myself aware to the fact that we Human, aren't the only species on Earth, and since so I believe that we need an urgent change. There's already a catastrophe happening to millions of people around the world, those in Africa that have nothing to eat and live among first world's trash, those in South America and Middle East scourged by violence, and those in the First World mentally sick that are being packed with Psychiatric drugs. The crisis is ALREADY HERE, and for those mocking the idea that the world would end, well I have got news to tell you: IT IS ALREADY HAPPENING! It is happening, but surely in a slowly and nasty way. Yesterday I read on the local newspaper how Brazil has devastated its amazone jungle during this year, isn't that to finish with the world? All for what? more electricity, and buildings?
A global happening this december would have brought a change to how the human acts, and perhaps he would for once recover the function of perceiving God in nature, and living in harmony with it. But it didn't happen, and what we will witness in 2013 is shallowness reaching an even higher peak.
So well, no global change for humanity, but for me it has indeed changed everything. In a personal level, my life has changed quite a lot during the last 2 months, and even though I'm still on dialysis, many things have changed for better. Also, as someone that has had to deal with mental illness in his environment during many occassions, I have made as one of my purposes for 2013, to protect and nurture my mind positively as best as I can. This means no more negative feedback, no more research about the darkest things happening in the world, nor of negative paranormal stuff.
The empirical negative data I have received both from what I have experienced through falling sick in Europe and getting back here, and even much before of some other trouble, as well as all the negative data I have absorbed while investigating on dark subjects, has taken its toll on me. It has helped me noticed how many things we take for real are a mere fantasy, but also as the duality increased, so did the anxiety and the ego problems. Intrusive thoughts? I rather take a different path on my life in which such thoughts will once again disappear.
As previously said, Alchemy is not worth it. Nor it is the Western way of achieving knowledge. If you want proof of this, just look at all the bright people that have ended completely unhappy, either sick to death or killing themselves because life had become hell. In melancholy there is no answer, there's only a profound lake of fear and ego that doesn't let you advance.
This idea of wanting to have all the rational knowledge on the world, is just another ilussion of the ego, trying to distance itself from the other people. And it is something I have to work on.
It is part of the human condition having to deal with so many obstacles in the every day life, in one way or another. Yet we can make it easier for us. When we love ourselves, we won't let our ambition drive us away from our happiness. What might look simple, might be the real gold. I have understood that in the simplicity of a spontaneous smile there is more than in a universe of rationalism. Blessed is the farmer whose joy is found in reaping a good fruit!
Wish everyone in this world, a 2013 full of clarity, love and courage! :)
martes, 27 de noviembre de 2012
Some thoughts on my country...
It's been a while since the last time I wrote here. In that period of time I have been enganged in different activities, from the noble ones of reading Brothers Karamazov and understand some aspects of my life, also to go to the gym, play football, and shake that body from the rustiness it had been subjected for some years before, up to the not so enlightening activities of spending countless hours playing.
Some other things happened during this period that compromises almost two months; one day I had a false alarm for a transplant. All the last year and a half passed through my mind for a bit more than 12 hours, until the alarm was declared, well, false. Overall I believe it wasnt the moment for having such surgery.
Its widely known by my friends and people that know me well, the opinion that I hold concerning my country, Colombia. As in general, if I was a person that loved my country a lot overall, perhaps I wouldnt have developed my Wanderlust as I did, and most probably I wouldnt have lived in the Czech Republic.
I dont hold any high opinion on this country of mine, nor have big expectations about its future, however after having returned here in the cinrcunstances in which I did, I decided to try to see Colombia with positive eyes.
Such view lasted for some months, but being honest to myself, sincerely, I cannot see much brightness in here, The country just lost most of its Caribbean sea a week ago, I would have expected people from my country to movilize, but did they do anything at all? Not really.. Colombians moan, whine, and talk a lot, but when they've got to act to defend an ideal or such, they run away!
It was, is, and probably will continue being, pathetic to check up the comments of people in the webpages of our local newspaper. Overall, such comments filled with ignorance are for me a loyal representation of what the situation of Colombia is. This is a country in which ignorance is bliss, in which blindness is the passport, and in which knowledge is badly seen by everyone. Who holds knowledge is eithr mocked off by the ignorants, or even worse hated by those that would like to have such knowledge.
In the most Woody Allen style I have come to the conclusion that even if one tries to elude the idiosincracy of this country, one is subjected to sooner or later end up as the typical Colombian. How can one person different to the others, raise a child with virtue if anyway he'll be "shaped" in school and university? Colombian schools that preach a lot of shit, always talking about the development of individual thinking, rationalism, and bla bla bla. Or how about our wonderful universities that speak as if they were raising in every single of their students a new Kant? We live in a country where everyone is and wants to be a Business Manager. Administración de Empresas is the second ID!
I don't know if I'll end up moving to another country once again in the future, for I prefer now to not plan ahead. I can only be thankful that internet exists! as if it wasnt because of it I wouldnt be enjoying Prince Igor, Ruslan and Lyudmila, or Rusalka, but instead I would be subjected to the national universe of syncretic mediocrity.
P.S. Of course not all Colombians are like this. But the vast majority of those 46 million people that live here are. Like for example the man filled with ignorance that I met the other day online, that dared to call me "brainwashed" for loving Classical music. Because according to him, there are talents nowadays that have same if not greater, talent.
BAH!
Some other things happened during this period that compromises almost two months; one day I had a false alarm for a transplant. All the last year and a half passed through my mind for a bit more than 12 hours, until the alarm was declared, well, false. Overall I believe it wasnt the moment for having such surgery.
Its widely known by my friends and people that know me well, the opinion that I hold concerning my country, Colombia. As in general, if I was a person that loved my country a lot overall, perhaps I wouldnt have developed my Wanderlust as I did, and most probably I wouldnt have lived in the Czech Republic.
I dont hold any high opinion on this country of mine, nor have big expectations about its future, however after having returned here in the cinrcunstances in which I did, I decided to try to see Colombia with positive eyes.
Such view lasted for some months, but being honest to myself, sincerely, I cannot see much brightness in here, The country just lost most of its Caribbean sea a week ago, I would have expected people from my country to movilize, but did they do anything at all? Not really.. Colombians moan, whine, and talk a lot, but when they've got to act to defend an ideal or such, they run away!
It was, is, and probably will continue being, pathetic to check up the comments of people in the webpages of our local newspaper. Overall, such comments filled with ignorance are for me a loyal representation of what the situation of Colombia is. This is a country in which ignorance is bliss, in which blindness is the passport, and in which knowledge is badly seen by everyone. Who holds knowledge is eithr mocked off by the ignorants, or even worse hated by those that would like to have such knowledge.
In the most Woody Allen style I have come to the conclusion that even if one tries to elude the idiosincracy of this country, one is subjected to sooner or later end up as the typical Colombian. How can one person different to the others, raise a child with virtue if anyway he'll be "shaped" in school and university? Colombian schools that preach a lot of shit, always talking about the development of individual thinking, rationalism, and bla bla bla. Or how about our wonderful universities that speak as if they were raising in every single of their students a new Kant? We live in a country where everyone is and wants to be a Business Manager. Administración de Empresas is the second ID!
I don't know if I'll end up moving to another country once again in the future, for I prefer now to not plan ahead. I can only be thankful that internet exists! as if it wasnt because of it I wouldnt be enjoying Prince Igor, Ruslan and Lyudmila, or Rusalka, but instead I would be subjected to the national universe of syncretic mediocrity.
P.S. Of course not all Colombians are like this. But the vast majority of those 46 million people that live here are. Like for example the man filled with ignorance that I met the other day online, that dared to call me "brainwashed" for loving Classical music. Because according to him, there are talents nowadays that have same if not greater, talent.
BAH!
miércoles, 3 de octubre de 2012
Sacrifice
Rite of Sacrifice
Rite of Purity
Igniting my Soul
Inspiring my Song
I have seen the golden lion come
I have faced the deadly poison fall
Traces of the past fast by
Thus becoming blessings of my melody
Life... Mighty arena where we all must dwell!
Where Life and Death both share!
You're laugh at the Dawn,
Yet sorrow at the Dark!
Man must face Sacrifice
In mortality, beast shall devour him
In inmortality, both become one and none
Fear will have feared himself, Hate will have hated himself,
Thus the Love, will love himself
As I remember the time fly away
As I witness this opera coming to its end
I live again the Joy and Sorrow of the play
I live again the endless nights of Youth
The venusinian passion of the Aesthethics
The emotions of being among the blessed
Yet I remember too, the baroque streets vanishing to the space
Snow Queen penetrating through my Soul
The fatherless reckoning of the Death
I remember, the scare and darkness of the Soul
Despair of the vampyrical blood expanding by
Rain of needles penetrating through my skin
Forcing me to the unexpected Intermezzo
Black and White are gone,
Do not weep for the leaving ones,
The harmonical and Universal Melody is coming on,
It is moment for the Trombon
It is certainly,
The time for the Crowning of the Spirit
My friend, be happy,
My brother, be ecstasic,
My sister, start the dancing,
My mother, cry no more
Red Crown of accomplishment I salute you,
For this is time of Joy,
The tale has had its happy ending afterall,
All in all, I will always remember...
The Sacrifice that was done!
Rite of Purity
Igniting my Soul
Inspiring my Song
I have seen the golden lion come
I have faced the deadly poison fall
Traces of the past fast by
Thus becoming blessings of my melody
Life... Mighty arena where we all must dwell!
Where Life and Death both share!
You're laugh at the Dawn,
Yet sorrow at the Dark!
Man must face Sacrifice
In mortality, beast shall devour him
In inmortality, both become one and none
Fear will have feared himself, Hate will have hated himself,
Thus the Love, will love himself
As I remember the time fly away
As I witness this opera coming to its end
I live again the Joy and Sorrow of the play
I live again the endless nights of Youth
The venusinian passion of the Aesthethics
The emotions of being among the blessed
Yet I remember too, the baroque streets vanishing to the space
Snow Queen penetrating through my Soul
The fatherless reckoning of the Death
I remember, the scare and darkness of the Soul
Despair of the vampyrical blood expanding by
Rain of needles penetrating through my skin
Forcing me to the unexpected Intermezzo
Black and White are gone,
Do not weep for the leaving ones,
The harmonical and Universal Melody is coming on,
It is moment for the Trombon
It is certainly,
The time for the Crowning of the Spirit
My friend, be happy,
My brother, be ecstasic,
My sister, start the dancing,
My mother, cry no more
Red Crown of accomplishment I salute you,
For this is time of Joy,
The tale has had its happy ending afterall,
All in all, I will always remember...
The Sacrifice that was done!
sábado, 29 de septiembre de 2012
My divorce from Alchemy
For a long time I have been studying Alchemy, having a deep interest into this ancient science/art, both here and in the time spent in Prague, which by the way is a cradle of it. Well, after reading Fulcanelli and overall exploring the alchemical world and the lives of many of these men, I have decided that it isnt worth it.
Alchemists and western mystics usually attack "rationality" the new scientific approach, and overall the secular beliefs. But its a complete lie! if this was true, how come they created most of the secular goverments? the truth about Alchemists and their art, is that they're quite rational, actually have perhaps the biggest rational knowledge in the world, and so simply out of arrogance, they proclaim themselves children of Imagination and state themselves as being above good and evil.
"As above so below they say" yet their mind is completely splitted in duality forms, the outside "ordinary" individual that is not part of them, is condemned to be the bad guy of the story simply because he's ignorant. Buddhism says that ignorance is the root of what is perceived as evil, this is true.. but the western art has perverted this concept, up to the point of forgetting about compassion, and seeing the ignorant people that lack education, as worthless machines that steal hair.
"Mystery of the Cathedrals" by Fulcanelli is a very nice book from the point of explaining ancient codes. However since the different prologues, written by many of his disciples, it becomes noticable the arrogance that fills the mind of those individuals. As the pages go by, this increases till the absurdity of proclaiming themselves as the chosen ones, becoming a complete prank on the reader! How would you feel when you're reading something out of interest, and you start perceiving as if the writer was alive, and aughing at you for being an unitiated? Yeah that's right.. an unitiated, like the term used by Bane on the Dark Knight Rises. I'm not a comic book fan, so I have no idea who created the concept of the League of Shadows, but whoever did it, was aware of these millenary groups that hold a huge influence on the world. Both then, and also now. Groups that justify their violent and uncompassionate attitude today, with supposedly the promise of a perfect tomorrow. Doesnt matter who they erase from the road, who they manipulate, etc. Just because there's a "greater deed" Are such individuals wise at all in the end? I ask myself...
Last but not least.... Are they happy? Check any book and you'll find out that they are as unhappy as the people they condemn. Equality, Fraternity, Liberty? or more like Royalist lickers, discrminators, racists, misoginists, and enslaved by their mind conflicts? Turns out that in the end is more constructive to speak with a gardener or a miller, it will fill you much more, than with these "philosophers".
Because of these and other reasons, I have discovered that even though is interesting to study Alchemy and such subjects, it is better to do so from a merely rational point. Why bother involving the spirit into an activity and knowledge that was built uppon the pillars of rationality itself? While I will leave my spirit to find the knowledge, on the empiric and spontaneous smile, the sun shining, and the birds singing.
Alchemists and western mystics usually attack "rationality" the new scientific approach, and overall the secular beliefs. But its a complete lie! if this was true, how come they created most of the secular goverments? the truth about Alchemists and their art, is that they're quite rational, actually have perhaps the biggest rational knowledge in the world, and so simply out of arrogance, they proclaim themselves children of Imagination and state themselves as being above good and evil.
"As above so below they say" yet their mind is completely splitted in duality forms, the outside "ordinary" individual that is not part of them, is condemned to be the bad guy of the story simply because he's ignorant. Buddhism says that ignorance is the root of what is perceived as evil, this is true.. but the western art has perverted this concept, up to the point of forgetting about compassion, and seeing the ignorant people that lack education, as worthless machines that steal hair.
"Mystery of the Cathedrals" by Fulcanelli is a very nice book from the point of explaining ancient codes. However since the different prologues, written by many of his disciples, it becomes noticable the arrogance that fills the mind of those individuals. As the pages go by, this increases till the absurdity of proclaiming themselves as the chosen ones, becoming a complete prank on the reader! How would you feel when you're reading something out of interest, and you start perceiving as if the writer was alive, and aughing at you for being an unitiated? Yeah that's right.. an unitiated, like the term used by Bane on the Dark Knight Rises. I'm not a comic book fan, so I have no idea who created the concept of the League of Shadows, but whoever did it, was aware of these millenary groups that hold a huge influence on the world. Both then, and also now. Groups that justify their violent and uncompassionate attitude today, with supposedly the promise of a perfect tomorrow. Doesnt matter who they erase from the road, who they manipulate, etc. Just because there's a "greater deed" Are such individuals wise at all in the end? I ask myself...Last but not least.... Are they happy? Check any book and you'll find out that they are as unhappy as the people they condemn. Equality, Fraternity, Liberty? or more like Royalist lickers, discrminators, racists, misoginists, and enslaved by their mind conflicts? Turns out that in the end is more constructive to speak with a gardener or a miller, it will fill you much more, than with these "philosophers".
Because of these and other reasons, I have discovered that even though is interesting to study Alchemy and such subjects, it is better to do so from a merely rational point. Why bother involving the spirit into an activity and knowledge that was built uppon the pillars of rationality itself? While I will leave my spirit to find the knowledge, on the empiric and spontaneous smile, the sun shining, and the birds singing.
lunes, 24 de septiembre de 2012
Update
So its been more than a month since the last time I wrote here, first of all I would like to give an update of what has happened in this novel called Matteo's life.
I must mention therefore that I had my 23th birthday on August 26th. What can I say about being a year older? Well that most importantly I would like year of my life to be filled with happiness, sincerity, and true love from all sources. For me the past is gone; I no longer dwell on the reason of why I got sick, despite this I believe I must excorcise the darkness of it through writing a novel and that's what I'm currently doing. Sure I might be as slow as a snail, courtersy of my cat lazyness, but certainly I'll finish this novel for my own happiness and clear future. Concerning my health, there isnt much to tell, except that for the last month or so I had my blood pressure a bit lower than normal. Sure, its better than having it high, but still is not so pleasant, specially when being on the gym feeling lightheadedness.
I greeted my new year on a night club. Sure, I didnt believe I would be going to one anytime soon, but I must admit I couldnt resist the invitation my cousin did to me. After being there that evening, I think that is important to state how important is to achieve an equilibrium of the psyche. Clubs and nightlife are not an ecstasy to me like in the past, but once in a while is good to cease the deep mind, the drastic thoughts, and the spiritual aspirations, just to enjoy some hours.
I have discovered that the only way to defeat the Black Knight of Fear is through love. Love is the Alpha and Omega of every single thing, and the seed is always there.
If I manage to reap and sow Love, I might find the key to my healing....
I must mention therefore that I had my 23th birthday on August 26th. What can I say about being a year older? Well that most importantly I would like year of my life to be filled with happiness, sincerity, and true love from all sources. For me the past is gone; I no longer dwell on the reason of why I got sick, despite this I believe I must excorcise the darkness of it through writing a novel and that's what I'm currently doing. Sure I might be as slow as a snail, courtersy of my cat lazyness, but certainly I'll finish this novel for my own happiness and clear future. Concerning my health, there isnt much to tell, except that for the last month or so I had my blood pressure a bit lower than normal. Sure, its better than having it high, but still is not so pleasant, specially when being on the gym feeling lightheadedness.
I greeted my new year on a night club. Sure, I didnt believe I would be going to one anytime soon, but I must admit I couldnt resist the invitation my cousin did to me. After being there that evening, I think that is important to state how important is to achieve an equilibrium of the psyche. Clubs and nightlife are not an ecstasy to me like in the past, but once in a while is good to cease the deep mind, the drastic thoughts, and the spiritual aspirations, just to enjoy some hours.
I have discovered that the only way to defeat the Black Knight of Fear is through love. Love is the Alpha and Omega of every single thing, and the seed is always there.
If I manage to reap and sow Love, I might find the key to my healing....
viernes, 10 de agosto de 2012
How to save a soul...
How to save a soul...
How to save a soul, who has been blinded by the obscurity of night?
How to save a soul, to which love is a foreign word?
How save a soul, in which hatred and shadow is its seal
How to save a soul, a soul, that is possed by alcohol?
Possesed up to the grade of misery and bestiality?
Possesion that becomes a dagger,
Dagger that cuts into hundred of pieces what was a divine material?
Light unknowns that Soul,
Soul unknowns the Truth,
Death's Whisper approaches,
The Scythe is ready to reap
Soul which ignores the Divine Truth,
Shall Perish into the confinement of dust,
Conscience shall dilute into the blood of the maggots
Dots of oblivion,thoughts eaten into the infinity of black holes.
How to redeem a Soul, which has shattered thousands of dreams?
How to redeem a Soul..
Which has made of Curses its Sword?
And of Lies, its Shield?
As the light that shines through the tiny whole left in a cave,
Love saves that putrid seed,
Feel the Compassion encrypted in its Melody,
Perceive the Redemption written in the Scroll
Holy Scroll of Redemption,
Little Lamb that lies here,
May your love illuminate the pit,
May thy love, give her a hand.
If I could make the Sunset last for more,
If Sunset would last a little longer,
If in the Sunset I could defeat time, and pause my life,
Then, I would find the answer,
Of how to save thy Soul.
How to save a soul, who has been blinded by the obscurity of night?
How to save a soul, to which love is a foreign word?
How save a soul, in which hatred and shadow is its seal
How to save a soul, a soul, that is possed by alcohol?
Possesed up to the grade of misery and bestiality?
Possesion that becomes a dagger,
Dagger that cuts into hundred of pieces what was a divine material?
Light unknowns that Soul,
Soul unknowns the Truth,
Death's Whisper approaches,
The Scythe is ready to reap
Soul which ignores the Divine Truth,
Shall Perish into the confinement of dust,
Conscience shall dilute into the blood of the maggots
Dots of oblivion,thoughts eaten into the infinity of black holes.
How to redeem a Soul, which has shattered thousands of dreams?
How to redeem a Soul..
Which has made of Curses its Sword?
And of Lies, its Shield?
As the light that shines through the tiny whole left in a cave,
Love saves that putrid seed,
Feel the Compassion encrypted in its Melody,
Perceive the Redemption written in the Scroll
Holy Scroll of Redemption,
Little Lamb that lies here,
May your love illuminate the pit,
May thy love, give her a hand.
If I could make the Sunset last for more,If Sunset would last a little longer,
If in the Sunset I could defeat time, and pause my life,
Then, I would find the answer,
Of how to save thy Soul.
miércoles, 8 de agosto de 2012
Contemplation
Contemplation: What can be better than to enjoy the music of God? what can be better than paying careful attention to the silence?
Nowadays cities and even towns are so contaminated in the sound aspect, that it has become quite difficult to listen to the birds, not to say, almost impossible to listen crickets, or the sound of the night. It has to be quite a natural sound, in order to be perceived by the modern human ears. Lets say for example, the wind! Not many sounds recreated by human can be compared to the one of the wind. Beautiful and strong, it surrounds the microcosmos as the macrocosmos. However, human seems to dislike it. Why would that happen? well, my theory is that wind reminds human about the wild nature of all things, the spontaneous birth of all life and non life.
Whoever comes to read this blog, have you thought for a minute what is your favorite sound of nature? For me, none has a better meaning than the one of the birds singing before going to bed, of their whispers of farewell to the father Sun, when the arrival of Penumbra shines. What do the bird parents tell to their pidgeons? that is a question that I have wondered since childhood. Do they sing lullabies? are they merely telling them to go to sleep? As the night arrives, the birds sing, the cat crowd wakes up, and the piano plays, I feel as if I was travelling to another dimension, similar to this one but nonetheless different.
It is such a pity that in such a fake-scientific world as in the modern one, Nature's delicacies are most oftenly ignored. Perhaps not ignored consciously, but through the process of deafness and blindness of technology. iPods, Smartphones, etc.. isolate human from his reality. Tell me please, what is the purpose of going jogging to the park if you're doing so while listening to music in an iPod? sure of course it can "sound" cool to listen your favorite music while doing an activity that demands physical effort. However, why not to keep the music for home, and not listen to the birds, even the sound of the grass being cutted while you're jogging?
If human is not able to contemplate what surrounds him, then what hope is left for imagination, and therefore stimulation? As a young person I can say that I enjoy activities such as playing videogames, watching films, and such, sure.. But in the modern world there's a bit too many visual experiences. Human perceives EVERYTHING through his eyes. The biggest problem of this is that he is getting used to the idea, of perceiving solely things pre-programmed by others. And so, he has no time for himself and imagination basically atrophies.
Drinking in excess kills, smoking kills, sedentarism kills even more, but the suppresion of imagination kills and leaves zombies in the place of pentagrams.
Nowadays cities and even towns are so contaminated in the sound aspect, that it has become quite difficult to listen to the birds, not to say, almost impossible to listen crickets, or the sound of the night. It has to be quite a natural sound, in order to be perceived by the modern human ears. Lets say for example, the wind! Not many sounds recreated by human can be compared to the one of the wind. Beautiful and strong, it surrounds the microcosmos as the macrocosmos. However, human seems to dislike it. Why would that happen? well, my theory is that wind reminds human about the wild nature of all things, the spontaneous birth of all life and non life.
Whoever comes to read this blog, have you thought for a minute what is your favorite sound of nature? For me, none has a better meaning than the one of the birds singing before going to bed, of their whispers of farewell to the father Sun, when the arrival of Penumbra shines. What do the bird parents tell to their pidgeons? that is a question that I have wondered since childhood. Do they sing lullabies? are they merely telling them to go to sleep? As the night arrives, the birds sing, the cat crowd wakes up, and the piano plays, I feel as if I was travelling to another dimension, similar to this one but nonetheless different.
It is such a pity that in such a fake-scientific world as in the modern one, Nature's delicacies are most oftenly ignored. Perhaps not ignored consciously, but through the process of deafness and blindness of technology. iPods, Smartphones, etc.. isolate human from his reality. Tell me please, what is the purpose of going jogging to the park if you're doing so while listening to music in an iPod? sure of course it can "sound" cool to listen your favorite music while doing an activity that demands physical effort. However, why not to keep the music for home, and not listen to the birds, even the sound of the grass being cutted while you're jogging?
If human is not able to contemplate what surrounds him, then what hope is left for imagination, and therefore stimulation? As a young person I can say that I enjoy activities such as playing videogames, watching films, and such, sure.. But in the modern world there's a bit too many visual experiences. Human perceives EVERYTHING through his eyes. The biggest problem of this is that he is getting used to the idea, of perceiving solely things pre-programmed by others. And so, he has no time for himself and imagination basically atrophies.
Drinking in excess kills, smoking kills, sedentarism kills even more, but the suppresion of imagination kills and leaves zombies in the place of pentagrams.
viernes, 3 de agosto de 2012
What now?
Sometimes there's a moment in life in which one's initial plans don't go as expected. As it happened to me in the past, for example. However this time around it is not this what has happened, but merely that what I pretended to be my reality for at least the upcoming months, didnt last more than a week. Lesson learned that I can teach or simply tell to people now? Dreams cannot be replaced by a pale shadow of conformism. With this I mean, that even though there might be circunstances in life in which your dreams and goals seem to be unreachable, you shouldnt try to replace them with a false sense of satisfaction, on something that deeply is just causing you disappointment. You might fool your conscious, but you cannot fool your subconscious.
My idea of studying formally in a place once again has been shattered, as I cannot conform with what I felt during that week. Actually, I don't want to feel the same shackles of repression that I felt during the old school years. What will I do instead then? study by myself, and continue contemplating life. I'm an individual and as so, I feel happy and very, very lucky to have always got the chance to keep learning by myself.
Talking about something different. I learned the hard way last week that doing too much exercise on a single day for a rusty body like mine can be quite harmful hehe. In the american medicine world HBP (High Blood Pressure) is known as the silent killer. Well, I believe that the real silent killer is sedentarism. Such attitude towards life, biggest form of alienation is much more harmful than how it is usually portrayed, moreover to be sedentary doesnt mean to be watching tv 24/7. To be sedentary is simply the act of forgetting the use some of the parts of the body can do. That's the main root, then its a way downhill composed of:
1) Forgetting how to breath
2) Forgetting the inner power of the body
3) Blood circulation will become slower, heart will pump less
4) As a tsunami, millions of cells in the body die.
5) Is there still a way back to health?
So please next time that you think you're not sedentary, try to do a technologyless day. Then you'll discover where you really stand. Is it safe ground of petals, or thin ice?
My idea of studying formally in a place once again has been shattered, as I cannot conform with what I felt during that week. Actually, I don't want to feel the same shackles of repression that I felt during the old school years. What will I do instead then? study by myself, and continue contemplating life. I'm an individual and as so, I feel happy and very, very lucky to have always got the chance to keep learning by myself.
Talking about something different. I learned the hard way last week that doing too much exercise on a single day for a rusty body like mine can be quite harmful hehe. In the american medicine world HBP (High Blood Pressure) is known as the silent killer. Well, I believe that the real silent killer is sedentarism. Such attitude towards life, biggest form of alienation is much more harmful than how it is usually portrayed, moreover to be sedentary doesnt mean to be watching tv 24/7. To be sedentary is simply the act of forgetting the use some of the parts of the body can do. That's the main root, then its a way downhill composed of:
1) Forgetting how to breath
2) Forgetting the inner power of the body
3) Blood circulation will become slower, heart will pump less
4) As a tsunami, millions of cells in the body die.
5) Is there still a way back to health?
So please next time that you think you're not sedentary, try to do a technologyless day. Then you'll discover where you really stand. Is it safe ground of petals, or thin ice?
martes, 10 de julio de 2012
Cómo vamos?
Cómo Vamos? means in Spanish "How are we doing?" I have much to write about in my blog, and so I will be doing so quite soon. So expect for a new article... however and even though I dont want to convert my blog in a monologue about kidney health, I felt myself obliged to put at least some monthly news concerning not only the kidneys, but myself as a whole, since in the end everything is holistic.
So, Cómo vamos este mes? How are we doing this month?
Well, today July 10th I can say that I feel pretty well as its almost usual. Hemoglobin keeps going higher by herself, first it went from 10,8 in May to 13,7 last month, finally this month it is in 14,2! This is wonderful news considering it went higher by herself, didnt need any synthetic erythropoetin. Just 400 ml of iron on May, and 200 ml last month. I'm supposed to go tomorrow for 200 ml of iron again, but I wont do it as I don't consider it necessary, moreover my hemoglobin levels are in the normal range right now. This has revived a hope in me, that my own kidneys can possibily heal, therefore I have decided to not think about the transplant for now.
It might sound funny to people, but to have the hemoglobin in normal ranges again feels like having bought a ferrari! I'm trying to use my newly found energy as much as possible. Have accepted invitations by some friends to play football in their university, as over here in the north of the city not even one soul seems to kick a ball in the park. Actually, parks are only good over here for going jogging... its very funny to think that the construction builders at the end of the day use and enjoy the parks more, than the own inhabitants of the area. I wonder, what's happeniing with the people of this zone? I guess they're too busy with their smartphones and parties, who knows.
At first I had thought there would be a risk about playing football, considering I have that small cathether. But I have discovered that my risk was unfounded, since as long as I don't enter into body challenges, and keep my good luck, everything will be all right.
What else is new? Well not so much.. Waiting to start new studies, and waiting for a possible business idea to come true. Besides all of this, life is still pretty much what it has been recently; to enjoy the company of Niko and Lazuli at home, the nice conversations I can have with my mum, and the occasional but very nice times when my grand mother is in a decent mood.
Last but not least, I have become a believer in Garlic! All hail King Garlic! Have discovered so many properties to this wonderful fruit of nature, that I'm taking as much as possible of it. Whether if it is through taking the raw cloves, soup made of it, or a nice fish made with some garlic. Have been taking so many cloves of it, that by now I think I can scare off any vampire that tries to come close to me, specially the vampire that chased me in Prague! I will dedicate a whole article to my newly found love later on :)
What am I reading? "The Ringing Cedars" by Vladimir Megre. I'm just in the first book, but it has captivated me already. I'm reading it along my mother, as she too enjoys mystical subjects (actually she does more than me). "The Ringing Cedars" is a collection of books supposedly of the encounter of a moscovite entrepreneur with a siberian woman/shaman . The latter reveals to the former the lost connection between Man, Nature, and God.
I first heard of it thanks to a lithuanian friend, a couple of years ago already. But just until now I have kept the discipline and found the interest to keep reading it every single evening.
This is the "data" that I can provide about July then:
Mood: Happy
Dreams: About my grand pa, some weird plants, big companies
Animal of the month: Cat
Fruit of Nature: Garlic
Novel: "The Ringing Cedars" by Vladimir Megre
Weather: Windy, sometimes with sun others with rain. About 15 degrees
Music: "Wish you Were here" album by the one and only Pink Floyd
Target of the month: Go to bed earlier! My goal is to go at 11:00 pm (23:00 hours) lets see if I achieve it.
That's it for now.
So, Cómo vamos este mes? How are we doing this month?
Well, today July 10th I can say that I feel pretty well as its almost usual. Hemoglobin keeps going higher by herself, first it went from 10,8 in May to 13,7 last month, finally this month it is in 14,2! This is wonderful news considering it went higher by herself, didnt need any synthetic erythropoetin. Just 400 ml of iron on May, and 200 ml last month. I'm supposed to go tomorrow for 200 ml of iron again, but I wont do it as I don't consider it necessary, moreover my hemoglobin levels are in the normal range right now. This has revived a hope in me, that my own kidneys can possibily heal, therefore I have decided to not think about the transplant for now.
It might sound funny to people, but to have the hemoglobin in normal ranges again feels like having bought a ferrari! I'm trying to use my newly found energy as much as possible. Have accepted invitations by some friends to play football in their university, as over here in the north of the city not even one soul seems to kick a ball in the park. Actually, parks are only good over here for going jogging... its very funny to think that the construction builders at the end of the day use and enjoy the parks more, than the own inhabitants of the area. I wonder, what's happeniing with the people of this zone? I guess they're too busy with their smartphones and parties, who knows.
At first I had thought there would be a risk about playing football, considering I have that small cathether. But I have discovered that my risk was unfounded, since as long as I don't enter into body challenges, and keep my good luck, everything will be all right.
What else is new? Well not so much.. Waiting to start new studies, and waiting for a possible business idea to come true. Besides all of this, life is still pretty much what it has been recently; to enjoy the company of Niko and Lazuli at home, the nice conversations I can have with my mum, and the occasional but very nice times when my grand mother is in a decent mood.
Last but not least, I have become a believer in Garlic! All hail King Garlic! Have discovered so many properties to this wonderful fruit of nature, that I'm taking as much as possible of it. Whether if it is through taking the raw cloves, soup made of it, or a nice fish made with some garlic. Have been taking so many cloves of it, that by now I think I can scare off any vampire that tries to come close to me, specially the vampire that chased me in Prague! I will dedicate a whole article to my newly found love later on :)
What am I reading? "The Ringing Cedars" by Vladimir Megre. I'm just in the first book, but it has captivated me already. I'm reading it along my mother, as she too enjoys mystical subjects (actually she does more than me). "The Ringing Cedars" is a collection of books supposedly of the encounter of a moscovite entrepreneur with a siberian woman/shaman . The latter reveals to the former the lost connection between Man, Nature, and God.
I first heard of it thanks to a lithuanian friend, a couple of years ago already. But just until now I have kept the discipline and found the interest to keep reading it every single evening.
This is the "data" that I can provide about July then:
Mood: Happy
Dreams: About my grand pa, some weird plants, big companies
Animal of the month: Cat
Fruit of Nature: Garlic
Novel: "The Ringing Cedars" by Vladimir Megre
Weather: Windy, sometimes with sun others with rain. About 15 degrees
Music: "Wish you Were here" album by the one and only Pink Floyd
Target of the month: Go to bed earlier! My goal is to go at 11:00 pm (23:00 hours) lets see if I achieve it.
That's it for now.
miércoles, 20 de junio de 2012
Next Step?
I have got some wonderful news of late!
During the first semester of 2012 the hemoglobin (which normal ranges in a young male adult like me should be around 14 to 16) had been dropping, slowly, but definitely dropping.
Among the functions a kidney has, is to produce a subtance called erithropoyetin, my kidneys started having the problem to produce that protein back when the "kidney damage" unleashed in Prague last year. That's why in the worst moments I was suffering such tachycardia and overall, the reason for feeling so weak.
In the old days, there wasnt much of a solution for the anemia (blood in which hemoglobin levels are lower than 11) People would have been condemned to a painful perish, no matter how much red meat they would eat, or blood they would drink.
Back in the late 80's, scientists managed to produce a synthetic version of the erythropoyetin protein, which was a huge advance in medicine, and which helped many people survive from difficult situations. However, as most allopathic treatments, it had its side effects; such as cardiac arrest, heart failure, and other terrible things. Risks for those things to happen would appear after a patient had been subjected to the treatment for a long term period. It is because of this as well, that doctors have decided to treat renal patients with just some erithropoyetin managing them to have hemoglobin levels of 11, which are above the ranges of mild anemia, but still not good enough as a healthy person. This being the cause of why renal patients despite being on dialysis, usually feel cold and lack of energy.
Back to my case, since my kidneys arent as affected as those of the majority of people on dialysis, the hemoglobin doesnt go down in such a critical way as theirs do. However, it does go down, or better to say, it used to go down. Last year in the worst moment my hemoglobin was in a level of 9.4, that's when I started dialysis and also erithropoyetin treatment (april 2011). Situation established on June 2011, month in which my hemoglobin had reached a level of 16, and for so the doctors decided to suspend immediately that protetin, since it could be risky. I kept a high level of energy and of a close feeling to normality, even though with a bit higher blood pressure (synthetic erithro rises the pressure) On November I was needing again the erithropoyetin, my hemoglobin had gone back to 11 and I was already feeling the chills. This time the treatment lasted for about 3 weeks, (two injections at home per week) eventually it normalized back again.
From January of this year until May, the hemoglobin was dropping slowly but surely, from 15 to what I was expecting was again, 11.
Due to obvious reasons of not desiring to have anemia once again, I asked the doctor at Fresenius to formulate that treatment once again. She told me she couldnt, as first I would need some iron. This mineral being the fuel necessary to produce the erithropoyesis. Without iron it doesnt matter how much erithropoyetin one has in the body, no hemoglobin will be produced. The plan was then, to give me some iron and then the next month (now) to give erithropoyetin. This is when everything gave an unexpected turn, as the last blood results show that the hemoglobin "magically" went up from 11,5 to 13,7 in two weeks. What happened here?? Well, in the moment the body received iron, my own kidneys produced the original erithropoyetin, and for so the hemoglobin went high by herself! Something which the doctor wasnt expecting to happen, and sincerely, I think she believes me to have got the synthetic version of the protein in the black market lol, as she has warned me that 13,7 hemoglobin level is dangerous. Naturally, as whenever I hear a doctor or for that matter anyone tell me something that worries me, I decide to investigate on my own. It is for my great delight, to know now that there's no danger in having this "high" hemoglobin level in this moment, as this has been created spontaneously by the kidneys, not through a drug.
These news are wonderful and not only make me feel happy, but also my mother, my relatives, and some friends..... The thing is, that I don't know what step to follow now.
No matter how much the allopathic medicine, specially Fresenius and my insurance keep on insisting that once sick the kidneys cannot get back to their healthy state, I refuse to believe them. I have researched about this topic quite a lot, and I have read about many cases of recovery. Moreover, I have gained knowledge on Ancient Chinese Medicine, in which are stated the psychological/physical causes for kidney damage, and how eventually there are ways to recover the kidneys. Not happy with this, I have contacted a doctor speciallized on this topic in China, which has confirmed what I had been suspecting: If the kidneys suddenly have regained their function to produce hemoglobin, it means that a part of them has recovered, and so the other parts can recover as well.
I have no idea what to do now. I had been planning to go on the transplant procedure for not needing any kind of dialysis dependence anymore. However with these news, and considering how almost everything seems to be fine in my body, I don't know if I should wait for my kidneys to recover, and if so, how much time should I wait? Breathing exercices, root chakra meditation, great diet, chinese medicines, sound frequencies of healing, prayers,etc. ALL OF THIS IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE. And all of it is wonderful... but when will the kidneys awake completely?
The most vulnerable part of me wants to get rid of all this dialysis-related stuff. Fresenius aren't at all my favorite people, and even though I only have to go about 2 times per month now, it still causes me some stress and pisses me off. Specially in occassions such as yesterday, when the nurse couldnt put a simple needle on my arm, which left me as result an uncomfortable pain for hours, similar to the one a bee can cause.
I also have the biggest wish of travelling freely across the world was again... to go to places I really want to go such as Russia and Brazil. and which are might possible to go to while on dialyisis , but which would require a big amount of money and papers.
Last but not least, there are also key elements that make the life of a young person: Sports (I have to avoid those with physical contact as to prevent risks) activities involving rivers, lakes, seas, and even ordinary swimming pools (yep, water might be risky for the cathether) and of course there's also the intimacy (which concerning the libido part everything's intact, but with the self esteem affected because of being on dialysis) those being the most important.
I love the new life I have adopted of writing on a blog, going to the cinema, learning and playing piano to spend more time with my cats, and to have become a much more holistic individual. However, I think its too much of a life of a priest to my taste. What is next? having prophetic visions?
I think that for the moment I will wait. Wait for my own kidneys to recover, or to stem cell treatment to become the worldwide norm, to life give me some revelation, for aliens to arrive here in the middle of the London Summer Olympics, to the world to finish on 2012, what else? It would give me the feeling that if I go for the transplant in this moment, I would have been impatient and weak.
Until the next time...
During the first semester of 2012 the hemoglobin (which normal ranges in a young male adult like me should be around 14 to 16) had been dropping, slowly, but definitely dropping.
Among the functions a kidney has, is to produce a subtance called erithropoyetin, my kidneys started having the problem to produce that protein back when the "kidney damage" unleashed in Prague last year. That's why in the worst moments I was suffering such tachycardia and overall, the reason for feeling so weak.
In the old days, there wasnt much of a solution for the anemia (blood in which hemoglobin levels are lower than 11) People would have been condemned to a painful perish, no matter how much red meat they would eat, or blood they would drink.
Back in the late 80's, scientists managed to produce a synthetic version of the erythropoyetin protein, which was a huge advance in medicine, and which helped many people survive from difficult situations. However, as most allopathic treatments, it had its side effects; such as cardiac arrest, heart failure, and other terrible things. Risks for those things to happen would appear after a patient had been subjected to the treatment for a long term period. It is because of this as well, that doctors have decided to treat renal patients with just some erithropoyetin managing them to have hemoglobin levels of 11, which are above the ranges of mild anemia, but still not good enough as a healthy person. This being the cause of why renal patients despite being on dialysis, usually feel cold and lack of energy.
Back to my case, since my kidneys arent as affected as those of the majority of people on dialysis, the hemoglobin doesnt go down in such a critical way as theirs do. However, it does go down, or better to say, it used to go down. Last year in the worst moment my hemoglobin was in a level of 9.4, that's when I started dialysis and also erithropoyetin treatment (april 2011). Situation established on June 2011, month in which my hemoglobin had reached a level of 16, and for so the doctors decided to suspend immediately that protetin, since it could be risky. I kept a high level of energy and of a close feeling to normality, even though with a bit higher blood pressure (synthetic erithro rises the pressure) On November I was needing again the erithropoyetin, my hemoglobin had gone back to 11 and I was already feeling the chills. This time the treatment lasted for about 3 weeks, (two injections at home per week) eventually it normalized back again.
From January of this year until May, the hemoglobin was dropping slowly but surely, from 15 to what I was expecting was again, 11.
Due to obvious reasons of not desiring to have anemia once again, I asked the doctor at Fresenius to formulate that treatment once again. She told me she couldnt, as first I would need some iron. This mineral being the fuel necessary to produce the erithropoyesis. Without iron it doesnt matter how much erithropoyetin one has in the body, no hemoglobin will be produced. The plan was then, to give me some iron and then the next month (now) to give erithropoyetin. This is when everything gave an unexpected turn, as the last blood results show that the hemoglobin "magically" went up from 11,5 to 13,7 in two weeks. What happened here?? Well, in the moment the body received iron, my own kidneys produced the original erithropoyetin, and for so the hemoglobin went high by herself! Something which the doctor wasnt expecting to happen, and sincerely, I think she believes me to have got the synthetic version of the protein in the black market lol, as she has warned me that 13,7 hemoglobin level is dangerous. Naturally, as whenever I hear a doctor or for that matter anyone tell me something that worries me, I decide to investigate on my own. It is for my great delight, to know now that there's no danger in having this "high" hemoglobin level in this moment, as this has been created spontaneously by the kidneys, not through a drug.
These news are wonderful and not only make me feel happy, but also my mother, my relatives, and some friends..... The thing is, that I don't know what step to follow now.
No matter how much the allopathic medicine, specially Fresenius and my insurance keep on insisting that once sick the kidneys cannot get back to their healthy state, I refuse to believe them. I have researched about this topic quite a lot, and I have read about many cases of recovery. Moreover, I have gained knowledge on Ancient Chinese Medicine, in which are stated the psychological/physical causes for kidney damage, and how eventually there are ways to recover the kidneys. Not happy with this, I have contacted a doctor speciallized on this topic in China, which has confirmed what I had been suspecting: If the kidneys suddenly have regained their function to produce hemoglobin, it means that a part of them has recovered, and so the other parts can recover as well.
I have no idea what to do now. I had been planning to go on the transplant procedure for not needing any kind of dialysis dependence anymore. However with these news, and considering how almost everything seems to be fine in my body, I don't know if I should wait for my kidneys to recover, and if so, how much time should I wait? Breathing exercices, root chakra meditation, great diet, chinese medicines, sound frequencies of healing, prayers,etc. ALL OF THIS IS PART OF MY DAILY LIFE. And all of it is wonderful... but when will the kidneys awake completely?
The most vulnerable part of me wants to get rid of all this dialysis-related stuff. Fresenius aren't at all my favorite people, and even though I only have to go about 2 times per month now, it still causes me some stress and pisses me off. Specially in occassions such as yesterday, when the nurse couldnt put a simple needle on my arm, which left me as result an uncomfortable pain for hours, similar to the one a bee can cause.
I also have the biggest wish of travelling freely across the world was again... to go to places I really want to go such as Russia and Brazil. and which are might possible to go to while on dialyisis , but which would require a big amount of money and papers.
Last but not least, there are also key elements that make the life of a young person: Sports (I have to avoid those with physical contact as to prevent risks) activities involving rivers, lakes, seas, and even ordinary swimming pools (yep, water might be risky for the cathether) and of course there's also the intimacy (which concerning the libido part everything's intact, but with the self esteem affected because of being on dialysis) those being the most important.
I love the new life I have adopted of writing on a blog, going to the cinema, learning and playing piano to spend more time with my cats, and to have become a much more holistic individual. However, I think its too much of a life of a priest to my taste. What is next? having prophetic visions?
I think that for the moment I will wait. Wait for my own kidneys to recover, or to stem cell treatment to become the worldwide norm, to life give me some revelation, for aliens to arrive here in the middle of the London Summer Olympics, to the world to finish on 2012, what else? It would give me the feeling that if I go for the transplant in this moment, I would have been impatient and weak.
Until the next time...
martes, 24 de abril de 2012
Self healing?
So finally I have returned to write something new. It's not that I had forgotten about it, nor that I had lost my motivation out of a sudden, simply that I didnt have enough time to sit and write patiently, mainly because of two reasons:
First one being that a couple of weeks ago I had more medical exams than a human being abducted by aliens. "Colombiana de Transplantes" the biggest transplant organization in my country called me to start the transplant process. Psychiatry, radiology, cardiology, nephrology, blood works, even odontology exams were held to determine if everything was fine, thank God and the wonderful luck I have, it turns out that my body is in an excellent state apart from the pre-existing kidney problem. I even regained some hopes on my own healing, since through the sonogram it was revealed that my kidneys have kept the size they had back in Prague one year ago. This indicates that no further damage has happened after the original truma that I suffered, and that the kidneys to say so in a word, are "estable". It fills me with hope to know that there are still many cells working over there without any problem, that's why I have dedicated a big part of my free time to research more on this subject, to do whatever it is possible to stimulate the reproduction of those nephrons.
I don't find myself scared at all about the idea of having the transplant in case that I trully need it, however since I feel myself quite strong at the moment, I think I can wait sometime and have faith for once in my own body and mind, if my kidneys haven't given up on me then why should I give up on them?
The other reason I haven't been much over here has been that I'm searching with my mum for a new flat to live along my cats. Something that even though doesnt sound so complex, it actually is. I'm crossing my fingers for us to find a nice, cool one in this week.
So that's it for the moment, but I'll be writing in the following days. There are many topics of which I would like to talk about, "Cumbre de las Americas", "Sound Healing", "Paul McCartney's concert in Bogotá", etc. Plenty of options where to choose.
Until then,
Matteo
First one being that a couple of weeks ago I had more medical exams than a human being abducted by aliens. "Colombiana de Transplantes" the biggest transplant organization in my country called me to start the transplant process. Psychiatry, radiology, cardiology, nephrology, blood works, even odontology exams were held to determine if everything was fine, thank God and the wonderful luck I have, it turns out that my body is in an excellent state apart from the pre-existing kidney problem. I even regained some hopes on my own healing, since through the sonogram it was revealed that my kidneys have kept the size they had back in Prague one year ago. This indicates that no further damage has happened after the original truma that I suffered, and that the kidneys to say so in a word, are "estable". It fills me with hope to know that there are still many cells working over there without any problem, that's why I have dedicated a big part of my free time to research more on this subject, to do whatever it is possible to stimulate the reproduction of those nephrons.
I don't find myself scared at all about the idea of having the transplant in case that I trully need it, however since I feel myself quite strong at the moment, I think I can wait sometime and have faith for once in my own body and mind, if my kidneys haven't given up on me then why should I give up on them?
The other reason I haven't been much over here has been that I'm searching with my mum for a new flat to live along my cats. Something that even though doesnt sound so complex, it actually is. I'm crossing my fingers for us to find a nice, cool one in this week.
So that's it for the moment, but I'll be writing in the following days. There are many topics of which I would like to talk about, "Cumbre de las Americas", "Sound Healing", "Paul McCartney's concert in Bogotá", etc. Plenty of options where to choose.
Until then,
Matteo
martes, 13 de marzo de 2012
Winter is over
While the Spring is coming on the Northern Hemisphere, here in the middle of the equatorial line the weather continues quite similar to how it has been since past December.
Sometimes I think that it's quite unfortunate that Colombia counts with no seasons such as the ones that happen in both hemispheres. Of course its a blessing to not have terrible colds like those from Canada, Scandinavia, or Russia, however I believe that the seasons make wonders in moulding the personalities of the people, and helping them reconnect with the spiritualistic aspect of the communication with nature.
Perhaps that's even the cause to why the country moves so slowly, even seeming to be frozen sometimes. Political problems take centuries to resolve, and overall people seem to never change, and keep being the same over the years. In my case, I think I'm tired of the season I've been living for a while in my life, and I'm willing to open the doors for a new auspicious season. As an event to mark the beginning of it, I'm selling my tv and playstation 3 :D It seems to me that of lately playing videogames has become a guilty pleasure, just like pizza. Both have come to the point that the guilty feeling overcomes the pleasure, so what's the point in keep doing the same?
I believe that is certainly difficult to get over the computer and the internet, but at least I want to get rid of the other electric stuff. Plus I want to be consequent! If I'm against consumerism and the fake global society it has created, then I have to stop being part of it not through making speeches against it, but leaving the practice!
Soon I'll be writing again, until then!
sábado, 25 de febrero de 2012
Dreams...
Breathe deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion?
Just as the Night's in White Satin/Late Lament of the Moody Blues state, is quite difficult to know what's the true colour of what we see, plus what is an illusion?
We are the ones that decide which is right, is what I've been thinking of lately. Perhaps, just perhaps the world in which we live in is the real dream, while the time which we spend sleeping is actually the true reality. There's also the possibility, that just as Buddhism states, everything is in fact a dream, both this reality and the one we project when we go sleeping.
That's one of the fascinating things about the film Inception, anyone remembers the "Dream inside a dream concept"? Well it's pratically this of what I'm talking about. We spend most of our lives worrying about this material reality in which we appareantly live in, when there's trully no reason for worrying about it.
The whole subject about dreaming is quite complex to be spoken of in just a single article, so this is among such ideas that I want to keep recurrent in this blog, talking about the dreaming world once in a while.
For me there are two kind of dreams: There's the Alpha Dream (no relation whatsoever to Alpha waves, just a term I have just invented for this) and the Zeta Dream (again no relation with the waves)
Alpha Dream: This is the kind of dream for me that has shaped humanity as it is. The Alpha Dream is the element used for getting people into working as slaves, and living a life they don't want simply because there's the promise that if they keep insisting, they will eventually achieve that dream. This was used by Edward Berneys to create the career of Public Relations, and eventually to impulsate the Society of Consume. In which the human is a slave, as he is sold a dream or pursuit, dream in which in most of the occassions he cannot manage to achieve. This has survived to our day still, all the people wanting "to make it big in Hollywood" or to not go so far away, just of the person that decides to study Business management thinking he'll be the boss in a multinational, when in reality it will at least pass a decent amount of decades before that can get to happen.
Well, even though the Alpha Dream is the favorite concept to manipulate the masses by the Media, that's not entirely its origin. Also, the Alpha Dream isn't necessarilly evil, in the long run through obsession it can cause the biggest misery, but in moderation its the main source of motivation. This lead us to the old myth about Pandora's Box, and the hypothesis that foreseen is a curse, because if we were able to see the future in a completely rational and crude way, then probably we would lose all motivation to exist, and therefore we would perish. Human needs hope even if its fake, as a pretext to live!
Our Alpha Dreams invite us to want to be more than what we currently are now, to escape from the uncomfortable situation in which many times we feel ourselves trapped, its the idea that for us there's a redemption and a victory at the end of the road. Most times it won't materialize, but even in the darkest hour, there's the Alpha Dream full of hedonism that since in this place we couldn't get to be triumphant, we surely will on the other side, be it heaven or eventually a reeincarnation.
The Zeta Dream is that which is not ordinary, but common. The one we usually experience on hundreds of numbers every single night when we go to sleep. Many times it can be connnected to the Alpha Dream, in fact it can be our door for realizing the Alpha Dream in a minimized level when we go to sleep. When this happens and we wake our from that sweet atmosphere, we feel frustrated and it spoils at least a part of the morning. Sometimes Zeta dreams are completely random to our conscient and are things we think to believe that we havent seen, felt, aspire, etc;
They're not random at all actually, everything has a reason to be. Whether the reason is that dreams are a tool to forseen the future, windows of escape to the frustrated unconscious, I don't honestly know.
What can you do when both your Alpha and Zeta dreams are in your every single day of life? well, this is what has been happening of me lately. I'm using tools such as meditation and relaxation in order to keep them in the "motivating" level, preventing them to go higher. I believe that when dreams grow inside you, when they incept, they give you a bigger and majestous sight of all things. You suddenly realize things werent what you thought they were, however it comes for a price as well. Price being the crystal of rationality that starts to break, and therefore organization of ideas such as time and space that start to vanish. I question myself, where am I? am I trully in Bogotá? perhaps I'm in Prague and I haven't realized? or maybe I have never existed, and as some waves say this is the All, experiencing the recreation of human life?
Even though its risky, and sanity at a point can be on risk, I think that is fun to see things this way. For I believe that if I had decided since many months ago to experience everything from the solely rational point of view, out of any dream dislogic, then perhaps, just perhaps.. I would be feeling quite terrible right now.
I'm thinking of it on the same scheme as the Thyroid gland. Let's say that if a person has low levels of calcium, or a slow metabolism, the mind will give the order to that gland to accelerate the production of calcium. The mind is so strong, that at a point the gland can become crazy and start creating calcium all the time, that's when the hyperthiroidism appears. The contrary happens on the case of Hypothyroidism.
With the mind itself, happens the same. When our reality is filled with crude rationalism, we will eventually escape to our own garden of surrealism. ALL OF THIS IS DONE, WITHOUT THE "HELP" OF ANY DRUG, NONE OTHER THAN THE FEELING!
This concept exists both in Homeotheraphy as in Chinese Medicine. It parts from the principle that a disorder of fire (too much fire) will unleash as an excess of water. Obviously, it goes on the other way around as well.
Talking about dreams, the moment for me to go to sleep and to experience some nice Zeta dreams has come. I wonder, where will I be tonight? Perhaps at a Ball in a Palace? maybe in a forest surrounded by lakes? or maybe, I will wake up and realize that all of this, even writing in this blog was actually the dream, not the reality.
"Once upon a time, I, Chuang Chou, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was Chou. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man"
Zhuangzi
miércoles, 22 de febrero de 2012
Hello world!
Well after been thinking for a while about opening a blog or not, I have come to the decision to do it so. In the past I have made a couple of blogs, first one being about cinema and arts in general, while the second was more about politics, society, and enigmas. Both blogs died quite quickly as I lost the motivation to write pretty soon. This time around I want to promise myself of holding a blog at least for some good years, and to share with the world my life, feelings and thoughts. Even though this time around I will be still covering topics such as arts, and also politics, culture and society, my main goal is simply to talk about the daily life of you and me.
The blog is born as a concept after all I have lived in the period regarding the last 24 months of my life. So many changes ocurred during this period of time that I even had quite the uncomfortable experience of Mademoiselle La Mort flirting with me for some weeks a year ago.
Life is a circle in which basically what you do is to wait for the next tide to come. The thing is, where can that tide take you to? perhaps to a paradise, or maybe to the depths of the Ocean (subconscious)? will the tide be a glorious source of water that fills your life with happiness, or will it be a tsunami that breaks completely the structure you had created of yourself?
From my ego, the idea that my life is an opera sprouts quite repeatedly from time to time. Am I exaggerating and over-emphasizing on my own being? or just perhaps, we conceive life as we want to? for some it can be a thriller, for others an action film, for others a comedy, in my case I see mine like an opera, most likely one from Mozart.
For example, until this day no doctor in either side of the world has been able to tell me exactly what happened to my kidneys. One day, one is walking with friends during midnight in the middle of a winter full of festivities, feeling guilty of living a banal life. On the next, suddenly witness with my own eyes how all the shallowness vanishes quicker than the sunlight during winter, and all that is left is the heartbeat... That's right, now I understand fully the concept of one of my most beloved albums, Pink Floyd's Darkside of The Moon.
From the banalities of drinks, parties, socializing, luxuries, etc. Up to the "serious stuff" such as school, visa status, business, etc. NONE OF THESE EXISTS! The existance is reduced to the equilibrium between Alkaline and Acid. Just one small imbalance, and the heartbeat would stop.
Life is the mathematical equation between different elements, is that alchemy of which not many know... People supposedly healthy worry about the numbers in their bank account, when the numbers that count are in their interior. The moment you find yourself praying or just wishing for some numbers to go down or up, is when you realize that "there's no darkside of the moon really, a matter of fact its all dark" while you hear that heartbeat.
Even though what I lived was trully terrible, and is something that I don't wish even to my worst enemy, I must confess that in a way it helped me.
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Friedrich Nietzche.
So right was he! Not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. Making me much more confident of what I want.. Even though Prague was the materialization of all ideas I love, it was also the materialization of what I fear and dislike. During the 6 months I lived there I felt the duality in its most strongest way, much more than I had ever felt before. How many times did I question myself while walking somewhere in the Mesto, how was it possible that the city of kings, nobles, alchemists, intellectuals, martyrs, and artists was now converted into an attraction consisting maily in beer and hookers? I didn't travel 11,000 km to live in a fucking medieval theme park full of McDonald's, was my thought during many occassions.
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Friedrich Nietzche.
So right was he! Not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. Making me much more confident of what I want.. Even though Prague was the materialization of all ideas I love, it was also the materialization of what I fear and dislike. During the 6 months I lived there I felt the duality in its most strongest way, much more than I had ever felt before. How many times did I question myself while walking somewhere in the Mesto, how was it possible that the city of kings, nobles, alchemists, intellectuals, martyrs, and artists was now converted into an attraction consisting maily in beer and hookers? I didn't travel 11,000 km to live in a fucking medieval theme park full of McDonald's, was my thought during many occassions.
Don't get me wrong, as I said previously, Prague was also the materialization of many things that I love in humanity. I will be forever grateful towards life for those occassions on which I would walk in the Stare Mesto through those small passages, picturing myself in a distant era... not to count with the marvelous classical music concerts I assisted to in the Obecní Dum, to the classical guitar events at Zlateho Melounu, and the operas in Statní Opera, and a couple of theaters as well. And sure.. the beer is also fabulous when is part of a nice conversation about culture, arts, or such. What can be better than a cold Staropramen while sharing such conversations with friends?
However I'm afraid that the lower densities have a much more magnetic effect than the higher ones, and it is for so that without realizing, slowly but surely I found myself been dragged into the ordinarity without realizing. Its not that I don't like parting, but simply that I think partying is good when there's a decent reason for doing so... What in the beginning was a nice occassion for sharing some good time while listening some nice music, was turning more and more into the "cannot miss this weekend" event of being with friends at a night club, while acting as a wolf and searching for a prey... Oh what a lovely atmosphere full of lust that was... along practically all men at the places I would check up every single girl that would enter or leave. I was acting like this simply because I had fallen in love with the wrong person, and had come to the conclusion that in this way I would forget easily and such. It's the old tale promoted in our times that lust can cure any love stupidity. I didn't like it deep within me, but yet I found myself repeating it over and over. Even to the absurd point of going to latin american night clubs sometimes, which was beyond stupidity considering that here in my Colombia I go once in a blue moon to such places, why would I do so far, in the plain meltic pot between Germanic and Slavic Europe?
After watching "Midnight in Paris" last year here in Bogotá, I felt identified with Owen Wilson's character in many ways. Just exchange Paris for Prague, and there you have it! Just as the protagonist, I felt I was in the right city, but perhaps at the wrong time. That was the feeling the streets used to sing me.
The turning point
The dead of my grand father in plain Christmas Day during my trip to Krakow, the following visit of a Colombian friend, followed by the New Year's celebration, in the meantime of the coldest and darkest days of Winter, led me to reevaluate myself completely, and this time not only think but act. My grand pa had been for me my father in the complete absence of my genetic one, with his death while I was listening to Chopin while walking through Krakow at -22 degrees, my sould had a complete change, a change that would also lead me to take a complete different path to life. I realized that I'd always prefered to keep being the romantic person I am, instead of becoming a completely rational person that would go into taking in the future a job I would hate just for the sake of having some money, and banging some girls just for the sake of pleasure minutes.
In the beginning of 2011 I suffered a big synchronicity (will explain meaning later) in my life. Woke up at 4:30 am in the middle of the night to accompany my friend to take his bus back to the airport for his flight to Hamburg, and then I went to "fix" a thing concerning my passport, supposedly it would be a simply burocratic thing, that actually turned out to be an appointment with destiny. Having to wait from 4:45 am up to 8:00 standing in the cold and darkness at about -8 degrees along some random Russian, Chinese, and Indian people, I thought what was I exactly doing there? For the first time during my whole life in Prague, I was missing Bogotá in those minutes, thinking about how contrary to my hometown, there was no Empanadas, Arepas con ají, Chocolate, or Agua Aromática to take while waiting for the damn office to be opened. Incredibly I was missing the street sellers from my city! I wouldnt have thought something like that would happen, if I they had told me I would. While the cold invaded my body, I felt irritated at the thought that in Europe everything is boring and conventional in the sense that everyone follows the rules, and that if I wanted to eat then I would have to go who knows where. There's no such thing as that lovely tinyspoon of Anarchy that exists in Colombia.
Anyway, its very probable that the cold I suffered that day, which I later renamed as the "worst day of my life" was in fact the guilty actor of what happened to my kidneys. As when it was later discovered in March, the doctors found kidneys that had already shrunk. Since all inmuno-causes along with other diseases have been discarded as the cause (thank God) I firmly believe that the cold paralyzed the circulation to the kidneys, affecting arteries charged with the task of sending oxigened blood to my organs. After some weeks eventually, the lesser fluid of oxigen down there would have caused the death of million nephrons in each of the two. Without knowing, I was having a time bomb inside me.
My new persona
Back to January 2011, during those days after that event I started to feel an unexpected sleepiness during the day, which at that time I associated solely with pure lazyness. Just when I thought I had got over that crush that had begun on Autumn, and had met in the university a nice girl which caused me curiosity, is when a "flu" that I had got after going to "the most popular club in Prague" became stronger,.
Just as I told to a Dutch friend, I was solely convinced of the fact that the evening spent at that night club would be the last time I would go to such a place. I had decided to put asides that kind of life, I was completely tired of meeting people at a night club just as confused as myself. All people going were going simply because of the same reason as me, they wanted to forget a crush they had either experienced some recent time ago, or even long ago. I wouldnt find happiness while going to such events, nor drinking, I wouldnt find entertainment in such kind of life. I threw it out of my life. I wanted to return back to my roots, to the simplicity of seeing a smile of my cats, or of eating a fruit picked in the park. Well, appareantly the unconscious took my decission quite seriously and also drastically, as after the flu became worse I ended up being hospitalized in the blink of an eye, later returning as a boomerang to Bogotá, and voila! the dream was over.
About that girl I had met at the University... well by synchronicity I managed to encounter myself with her, close to Karluv Most along with her friends, on my last walk through the old town. It was that afternoon of Tuesday March 8th, 2011... after being released of the clinic and having lunch with my Czech friend, I asked him to leave me at the old town so I could walk over there one last time before leaving. What a solemn walk that it was.. seeing so many places that brought me flashes of vivid moments, of the emotion I even entered to a baby store to buy a teddy bear to remember the city hehe. And then while I was walking to the Church of the Divine Infant in Karmelitska Ulice, after crossing the bridge I saw her with her friends. They asked me what happened, well... I could barely answer as it was already a long story plus I was drugged with a high dosis of cortisone. That was the last time I knew of her, until I contacted her via facebook.
God didnt abandon me, as what was followed of the medical chapter here in my country was quite heavy. Literally, I was flying on potassium at home after being released irresponsible from a clinic here in Bogotá. It was a wonderful miracle that the only symptom I got to suffer was extreme sleepiness, and tachycardia. But no other organ was affected, thank you God :-)
Now many months have passed, and I look to those moments as a film getting old and rusty in my memory. I am who I am, I am Matteo, who loves nature, classical music, progressive rock, my cats, who believes in dreams, honour, loyalty, friendship, and most importantly in love. I see a world around me in which men influenced by action films and serials think all to be enjoyed out there are sports, alcohol and woman as sex objects, I see a world in which women influenced by Cosmopolitan and company admit and enjoy being sex objects. But you know what? Not everyone is like that, and even those that are like that, well fair play to you. For I respect but I don't share your views. In my view the love will always prevail, and the rest is an illussion.
What's next? Well I don't know what's next. I expect the tides to cease, and enjoyable times to come ahead. I don't know where life will bring me, so that's why through this blog it'll be witnessed.
Synchronicity + Luminosity
The name in this blog comes from the union of these two words. Luminosity being the light that surrounds our day, the paradise that fulfills our soul and mind, finishing with the darkness of the rationality and the hyper realism.
Synchronicity, first explained by Carl Jung is:
” the experience of two or more events that are apparently causally unrelated or unlikely to occur together by chance and that are observed to occur together in a meaningful manner. Synchronistic events reveal an underlying pattern, a conceptual framework that encompasses, but is larger than, any of the systems that display the synchronicity. Concurrent events that first appear to be coincidental but later turn out to be causally related are termed incoincident.”
Everything in life is Synchronicity, we just cannot connect the dots in most of the occassions. Only through contemplation, and deeply watching what we spell in this world (say and write) is that we can understand the situation in which we are. Remember, the world is a Play and we're the actors!
Well, this has been everything for now. It would be a honour if you accompany me through this blog for as time being.
Blessings,
Matteo
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